The Inside Joke
by Fyrefly12
Summary: My name is Commander Shepard, and this is my story. M*
1. Prologue

Prologue

The gentle hum of the engines always finds a way to calm me down. Maybe it has something to do with my childhood, who knows? I feel like a child now, huddling in an air vent as close to the engine as I can get. My crew would laugh at me if they saw this. Me, Commander Shepard, once dead and twice removed, lying in an air vent on her own ship. I don't think any of them would pay much attention though, not with what they're all going through.

We could die. We probably _will_ die. And I... Would die again. But this time it will be on my own terms. This time I'll have a bullet through my head rather than have my insides sucked out through my melting skin. The pain of the memory rips through me and I have to open my eyes. I see the smooth metal above me and I know where I am again. I'm floating in space. My oxygen isn't gone. My body isn't exposed to open space. I am safe.

For now.

I lift up my hand and let my fingers touch the cold metal. There is so much I want to do. So much I want to experience, to taste and touch and smell. I want to dance under the Asari sky, and challenge a krogan to a duel. I want to build a house on a little planet that I discover myself... I want to talk to Kaiden again, just one last time. I... I want to live.

But living is the main reason I'm doing this though, isn't it? To save the galaxy? The idea makes me want to laugh. How can one person save a whole galaxy? If the Protheans were obliterated and enslaved, why would humanity be any different? What do we have that an ancient civilisation didn't? I mean, it's not as if humans have really been travelling through space for long. We don't exactly have a foothold anywhere. Not really. I know people like Udina want to think we do, but really we're powerless. It's hopeless. It's... pointless.

"Commander?"

I'm so engrossed in my thoughts that I don't even hear him approaching. I look behind me to the entrance of the vent and see a shadow blocking the light. Part of me doesn't know whether or not to reply. How in the hell does he know I'm here?

"Shepard?"

_Shepard!_

My throat tightens. I hate it when he says my name, it always takes me back to when he screamed it, right before I died.

"I know you're in there... Fine. I'm coming in."

There is a scratching sound as the grate is pulled away, and I smile faintly as Joker sticks his head in. I shouldn't let him come in, he could really hurt himself, and a broken bone would put him at risk. Again, I inwardly laugh. That is the least of his problems now.

I watch, in my daze of depression, as he climbs in the vent, puts the grate back behind him, and uses his arms to army shuffle towards me. I move over so that he can squeeze into the small space with me. I had found this tiny room in my explorations of the ship and came here as often as I could. There is just enough room for me to lie down straight and sit up. His body is warm as he pulls up next to me. I watch from the corner of my eye as he takes off his hat, arranges himself comfortably, and then lies on his back with a sigh.

"How did you know where I was?" I ask, more curious than annoyed.

"What, you mean your little hidey-hole that you found about six months ago? Well, EDI's got heat sensors, you know."

I raise an eyebrow and nod. That would make sense. But Joker thinks I'm stupid. I know he checks up on me. I know that it's him that leaves the hot chocolate on my desk every morning because I know that he knows that I hate coffee. Everyone else, for some reason, thinks I love coffee. I hate coffee - with a passion.

We lie in silence, staring up at the metal above us for what seems like a lifetime.

"So why'd you come here, Commander? I thought, you know, you'd be preparing or something."

"There's nothing else I can prepare for, Joker. Nothing now but the wait..."

He seems to notice the detachment in my voice, even though I was trying to hide it. The will to be strong left me long ago. But I know people depend on me, and for them I must be strong. But I can feel it, deep in my bones, how exhausted I am. This was nothing like chasing Saren, or killing Sovereign. This was a suicide mission. I know it, my crew knows it, and I could sugar coat it all I wanted - it didn't change the fact that we're all going to die.

I sigh and turn my head to look at Joker. I wonder why he's here? He hasn't reported anything so I guess there is no emergency. Maybe he just doesn't want to be alone. I thought I wanted to be, but now I think about it, I'm glad he's here. I should be upstairs really. Have a shower, check and clean my weapons, wipe down my armour. Maybe even put on some make-up and the ridiculously expensive perfume that Miranda got me for my birthday. Why not? When will I have the chance to use it again?

I didn't tell anyone about my birthday, because who really wants to know that they're thirty five?

Honestly? I really hate my birthday. Yeah, yeah, loads of people do. I have my reasons, though. So I was quite surprised when Miranda presented me with the gift. I hate to think how much it actually cost, but from its crystal bottle and the small diamond that hung around a silver chain on the lid, probably well over three thousand credits. I shudder at the thought.

I did get one other present for my birthday, though. I had woken up on the morning of my birthday and moved my foot to feel something on the end of my bed. Sitting up, I had saw the shining black leather case, and one small yellow bow at the end. I had first wondered how someone knew my favourite colour was yellow, and then I had realized what shape the case was. I had made some kind of noise as I scrambled to the end of the bed and ran my hands over the leather. Then I gently clicked the buckles open and lifted the lid. My heart stopped when I saw what was inside, and I had to practically stop myself from fainting.

I don't know how long I sat there, drinking in the vision before me, but it must have been a while. I remember reaching out, almost touching it, and then drawing my hand away as if it was on fire. I had been searching when I was on Earth for a work of beauty like this. But real, wooden ones were so rare and hard to find. People now liked to play holo-instruments, or electric ones. But I was like my mother, and I preferred something real that I could touch, smell, feel.

The violin was a wonderful, deep maple, and it had a flawless ebony fingerboard. The turning pegs were matching ebony, the strings were steel and I had to put my nose to the instrument to see that they were also lined with silver. It was accompanied by a pernambuco bow and I could see the hair of the bow was genuine horse hair. It was an old violin, a traditional violin, and must have been crazily expensive. On Earth, I couldn't find one for under ten thousand credits. I picked up the bow, and then the violin. I put it under my chin, ran the bow gently over my lips, and then let the hairs touch the strings.

I had been afraid at first, playing the first few lines of _adagio for strings._ Then my confidence had grown, and the music had taken over. I played over four of my favourite classical melodies before EDI had commented on my talent.

After that, I quickly put the instrument away, but not before running my hands over it again. I put it in my safe and got changed. But the gift had made my day – no, it had brought back some spark of my old life. I had hinted to my crew about gifts and such, careful never to mention it was birthday, but no one had come forward with the confession of the violin.

The memory makes me smile and Joker sees. He turns to me and gives me a questioning look. I can't help but stare back. He doesn't talk much. He never had. Ever since I met him, he didn't really talk. But we had come to some kind of understanding, Jeff and I.

Regret washes over me as I realise that I will never have the chance to get to know him better. I never tried before and now all free time was gone. I was always been so wrapped up in my own mind that I never stopped to think how others were. I've had friends, but no one knows me. No one knows who I really am. All they see is a leader, a woman with confidence and command. None of them know what I really think. They don't know how terrified I am.

Not even Kaiden knew me. Not really. And it was over. I didn't have a chance now, I couldn't make it right. I couldn't make best friends, I couldn't find a man that I would bare my soul to and have my love returned.

The thought makes me panic. Pressure swells in my chest and tears come to my eyes. I quickly put my hands over my face so Joker couldn't see me looking weak. I feel myself panting like a dog and sadness comes over me in waves. It blinds my senses and all I can see is death, all I can feel is every injury I have ever received. I see the faces of the dead under my command, I see the hate in their eyes for me: the woman who let them die.

I don't notice that I'm sobbing until warm arms grab me and pull me into their embrace. I feel the warmth underneath me as Joker rests my head on his chest.

I babble incoherent words to him, trying to explain why I'm crying, why I'm so weak. He doesn't speak, just listens as I calm myself down. Tears still pour from my eyes, and I hate myself for them. I finally stop talking, embarrassed and still in his embrace. It's strange, lying against him. From all the things I imagined I would spend my last few hours doing, lying in an air vent with Jeff Moreau was not one of them. I blink rapidly, trying to clear my foggy mind.

It hits me. _I am lying in an air vent with Jeff Moreau._

"Joker… I'm sorry," I mumble, withdrawing my body from his. I'm surprised to feel his arms tighten and I stop moving, scared that I'll break his arms.

"Talk to me, Shepard. Tell me something."

The sadness in his voice is unmistakeable. I try to move my head to look at his face, but his chin is on my head and it stops me. My body goes tense, but he still doesn't let me go.

"What shall I say?" I ask stupidly.

"Anything. Tell me something about you-"

"You've already read my file-"

"Then tell me something that's not on your file," he snaps.

I'm shocked at his reaction, mostly because I don't understand. I wrack my brain for something, anything.

"My favourite colour is yellow."

"Something I_ don't_ know, Shepard."

How does he know that? I frown. What could I tell him? What doesn't he know that's not already on my file? I stay quiet and I feel his shoulders relax a little. The movement caused some of my body to relax in turn, but I realise and I am quickly tense all over again.

"I can play the violin."

He is silent. I feel his hesitation, but he covers quickly, answering me with a question.

"When did you learn that?"

"I started playing when I was five. My mot-" I stop myself. No. I can't.

"Your mother what? Talk to me Shepard. Trust me."

I have never heard those words spoken so softly. The tone tells me how sincere he is. I am confused. Confused by the way he spoke. Confused by the way we are lying. Confused that I am comfortable like this. A small throbbing starts behind my eyes, the way it does when I'm stressed.

I think of my mother. She was beautiful. I see her in my mind. She's lying on a cream leather sofa, a book in her hand and Beethoven's Fifth playing in the background. She sees me and smiles. Her arms open and I run into them. I'm young because I feel how small I am in her arms. She smells like honey and lavender. Her red hair is long and I burrow my face into it. Her embrace is more comforting than a thousand words.

No one remembers her. There's only me, and I could be dead in a matter of hours. Do I tell him? Do I tell him about her, about my father, my brother, my sister? Do I tell him and relive seeing them all die?

I move my head and this time he lets me. I look up and into his hazel-green eyes. He looks sad. I find myself wanting to tell him. I want to tell someone about me before I die. Maybe it will make up for the lack of trust during my life. I feel my heart drop and beat erratically as I draw upon the memories that still haunt me. He is silent as I take three deep breaths.

"My mother was called Emmaline. She moved to Mindoir with my father about two years before I was born…"


	2. The Raid

Chapter One – The Raid

The four note ring brought me out of my deep sleep. I could sleep like a log at night, but any small noise had be sitting up and flailing like an idiot. The faint glow from my omni-tool had me blinking back morning tears. I yawned as I brought my right arm to my face.

My hands touched the thin metallic band around my right wrist and the omni-tool burst into life. Small writing ran across the screen and other options were flashing down the right. I saw my messages pulsing, and opening one up I smiled.

Wake up lazy-ass! Supposed 2 meet ½ hr ago!

I yawned and reluctantly threw the covers off my body. Swinging my legs around, I winced as my toes touched the metal floor.

"Windows open," I barked, and they obeyed. The shutters rattled and started to withdraw, blinding me with the light from the suns.

I shuffled through the mess of clothes on the floor and made my way towards the door. On my approach, the door beeped and slid open, sending a small gust of wind in my face. As I walked down the small hallway, I turned right into the bathroom. The door closed with a whoosh behind me and I pushed a button to lock it.

I took care of my business and then turned to the shower. Setting it at my favourite temperature (nearly boiling), it began to spray fresh water from the spout. Before I got in, I bent down and lifted up the broken panel from under the shower. Reaching in, I grabbed my bottle of shampoo and conditioner before shedding my t-shirt and pants and slipping into the ravishing water. Melandra had a habit of using everything that was mine, so I had to take liberties and start hiding my stuff. The one thing that always annoyed me though were her boobs. She had bigger boobs than me, but she was my build. So she would steal my tops, wear them, stretch them, and give them back knowing that I couldn't wear them because my boobs were practically non-existent and I looked stupid. So it was her own sneaky way of getting my clothes.

I washed my hair and conditioned it, cleaned my body quickly and got out. I wrapped my body in a towel and walked over to the mirror. Using one hand to wipe it, I found myself studying my reflection. Even soaking wet, my hair was in a huge tangle of curls. I tried to grow my hair long once, but stopped as it didn't grow down, instead it went out. The curls were tight and unruly no matter what I did. The only solution I had come up with was to pin it out of my face with a ridiculous amount of bobby pins. Grabbing my metal brush from on the small shelf under the mirror, I began trying to untangle some of the curls. It was hard work, but I made sure that I did it every day.

As I brushed, I studied myself. I had often been called vain because of 'my fascination with my face'. It wasn't true, but I never told anyone that. I watched myself a lot because I was always amazed at my own eyes. They were a light lilac, just like my mother's. I had never seen anyone with purple eyes before, and my teacher told me that it must have been some kind of genetic reaction which caused the pigments to combine and create a purple instead of blue, like my dad's eyes.

My omni-tool beeped again and I frowned. I waved my hand quickly over my wrist and checked the message, surprised that this one was a vid message.

I pressed accept and a familiar face flashed onto the screen.

Even through the blurred picture of an omni-tool, he was gorgeous. Allet's eyes sparkled as they were framed by longish brown hair. His face was smooth and youthful but the trace of stubble on his chin showed he was coming into his manhood. Part of me always thought that he could have been a super model if he wanted to. He pulled off mysterious and sexy all at once.

"Frizz-"

He stopped as he realised that I was in the bathroom, soaking wet and wrapped in nothing but a towel. I saw his eyes trail over my exposed skin and I smiled, shaking my head. I continued to wrack through my hair as he stared. Finally, I answered.

"I'm getting ready."

"What? Oh yeah. OK. I'll… uh, I'll wait outside." I smirked and nodded, closing my omni-tool and looking at the mirror.

My face was nothing special. My lips were too thin, my chin was just there and my cheeks were puffy. I thankfully didn't have the pimples that seemed to bother Mel so much, and I was glad for that. I was also lucky to get my mother's thin body. I knew so many girls who hated themselves even though they were so beautiful. I decided that I wasn't fat, but I wasn't so skinny you could see my ribs. I was healthy, according to my mother's medical scanner, so that was good enough for me.

I finally got through the last strand of hair, and by this time I was completely dry. Walking out of the bathroom, I headed back to my room.

Rubbing myself over quickly with the towel, I grabbed clean underwear from my draw and then rummaged on the floor for my dark jeans. I found a white tank top at the bottom of my draw and then took the short black puffy-sleeved blouse from my wardrobe. I left the top two and the bottom buttons undone, letting my tank top come through.

Walking back to my chest of draws, I grabbed the multitude of silver bangles, bands, hand-woven bracelets and rings, adorning the bracelets on my right arm and the rings on both hands. I lifted the lid of a small brown box up and grabbed two sets of studs. One were clear diamonds and the other silver stars. My ears were pierced twice, so I put the star set on the first holes and the diamonds in the other. I also had the top of my right ear pierced and I kept a small silver hoop in it. I picked out a tiny diamond nose stud and put it in the piercing of my left nostril before stomping my feet into my flat boots and walked from my room into the main living area.

The walls were the same cold metal as my room, but my mother had taken it upon herself to change that. A mixture of swirling flowers painted in a black gloss lined the walls, creating a sensual scene of movement and beauty. A leather couch faced the back wall where small fastenings gave away the holo-projector and speakers. A table with a grand computer sat under the window, which overlooked the small but buzzing colony I was born on.

I didn't even look up at the room as I walked by, heading left around a small corner into an open kitchen. Counters lined the walls along with a small sink and waste disposal system. Metal cupboards lined the walls and finally ended in a gigantic refrigerator.

Walking quickly to the fridge, I pulled it open and grabbed the plastic jug full of pink-ish liquid. Reaching up into one of the cupboards, I grabbed a glass, filled it, and drained it with one breath. Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I put the razzu juice back in the fridge and slammed it close.

I then headed for the front door, grabbed my violin case that was leaning against the wall and turned to leave.

"What? No goodbye?"

I spun on my heel and smiled sheepishly. I had forgotten mom had the day off today. She had her bright orange hair in a messy high bun and a basket full of laundry resting on her right hip. She was wearing her 'lazy clothes' as she called them. They consisted of soft grey trousers and a baggy blue t-shirt. I recognised the tee as one of my dad's. She had her pink bunny slippers on as well. I walked over to and gave her a quick hug, just because.

My friend Jamie was always so embarrassed of her parents. She wouldn't let them walk her to school. She would tell them to leave if they came into her room while she had friends over. I never understood it. Why would I be embarrassed of my parents? I was just too much like them to be embarrassed, so rationally, I would have to be embarrassed of myself. I tried to explain this to Jamie, but she wouldn't have any of it, determined that her parents were 'old and uncool'.

"What are you doing today?" she asked, her voice calm and curious.

I shrugged, fiddling with the case in my hands. I knew what she wanted to know.

"Meeting Allet today?"

Yep, I was right. I gave her a hard look.

"Yes. We're going to band practise and then for a walk, probably in the forest."

"You remember what we talked about, El. Right?"

Gods, how could I forget? It had been the most embarrassing thing I had ever been through. Since I started to become 'close' with Allet, in more than the friend way, mom had taken it upon herself to fill me in on the birds and the bees. I mean, it's not as if we hadn't already done sex ed. But worse than that, she had tried to get me to take some condoms from her.

I trust you, Elisse. I know you will make the right choice when you're ready. So I want you to take these. If I can't stop you from doing it, at least I know you'll be safe.

Just the memory of it made me blush and I knew my mom had noticed. She chuckled at me before urging me to leave. I loved my parents, don't get me wrong, but they were so clueless sometimes. I wondered what they would do if they knew that Mel wasn't a virgin – and hadn't been for a good while.

I walked out of the door and into the late morning. I loved the weekends. A sense of relief and freedom always came over me as I knew I didn't have to get up in the morning. I wouldn't have to face maths or chemistry or the other girls. I wasn't stupid. I knew what they were saying about me and Allet. I had known him practically my whole life, as his dad was best friends with mine. As he grew up and out and become so utterly gorgeous, I had stayed the same. Small, thin and frizzy.

"Hey Frizz."

Speak of the devil…

"Hey Trip."

He scowled at his pet name, but I knew he loved it. I had been given my nickname because of my hair, and most people had just taken up to calling it me. I doubt if people still remembered my real name. I was the only one who called him Trip, though. And that was because once at one of our school dances when we were what, ten? He had been dancing with his dream girl, Louise Herring. Not long after, he had promptly tripped her up and over his own feet, losing his own balance while he did so – and then fell flat on his face, breaking his own nose and accidentally breaking Louise's arm as he fell. I would never let him live it down.

He came over to me cautiously, watching my house as if a rabid dog would jump out at any minute. I smiled.

"Dad's not home."

His face instantly relaxed and he pulled me into an easy hug. I kissed his chin gently as he kissed my eyes. Finally, I pulled away from him and held out my hand. We walked slowly through the mass of houses until we reached the hub of the colony. The big buildings had been placed in a circle, with the hospital at the head, the school to the left and the science facility to the right. My dad worked in the science facility and my mom worked at the hospital. It wasn't a big hospital, but they only had about three doctors so my mother's expertise helped. She was a surgeon, and the only one on the colony.

We walked slowly into the school, which was the same cold metal as every other building in the colony. We walked past a few closed classrooms towards the main hall where a small number of kids milled about. As there weren't that many older children on Mindior, the teachers tried to get us all to stick together.

As my mother was a talented musician as well as an artist, she suggested I take up an instrument. I hadn't inherited my mother's artistic skills as Mel had, or my father's brain like my brother Hayden had, so I decided to give it a go. Turned out, I wasn't too bad at it. I had been given a range of instruments that I could learn to play, but only one really stood out.

I had grabbed the black, electric body, put the bottom under my chin and drew the bow across it, and suddenly I was home. My mom had teared up when I had told her what instrument I had chosen, before she ran into her room. I heard a few select curses before she came out again, cheeks red and clutching a black leather case.

The violin was a faded maple with a cracked fingerboard. There were scratches on it from years of use, and on the back, drawn in a black marker, was the same swirling flower design. It had been my mother's violin, given to her when she was seven, just as I had been, and she had had it ever since. And then she gave it to me.

I clutched the case to my chest before looking up at Allet. He gave me a quick smile before taking his seat at the beautiful piano that was kept in the hall. I always loved to watch him play.

It was part of the reason we were such good friends. We had been introduced to music at the same time and encouraged by our parents. Allet had excelled at the piano and I at the violin. Together, we had marvelled the colony at our performances and we were always chosen to lead the band at our recitals. I got so caught up in watching him warm up that it wasn't until Mr Grosling coughed and I saw everyone waiting for me that I realised what I had been doing.

Feeling another blush on my cheeks, I quickly pulled out my violin and did a few warm up notes. I touched up the pegs here and there, ran the bow over a few strings. My fingers danced over the fingerboard as I played a few lines of adagio quickly. Finally I nodded and we turned to Mr Grosling standing on a small podium over us. He had the sheet music before him, but our class didn't have any. It was his way of teaching us things. Take the music home for two weeks, learn it, and then give it back. We shall see how much you've all been practising then, wont we?

I felt almost smug as my hands began to play out the soft tune that we had been assigned. Allet played in time with me and our sound drowned out that of everyone else. Like it always did, my mind became clear and switched to a place where it was only me and the music. I could hear the piano, bright and strong, and the high sound of my strings as we guided ourselves through the song. All too soon it was over, and I lowered my violin slowly.

The rhythm was still going through me, and I could feel it touching every nerve in my body. I felt alive and awake, as if I had been underwater all morning. Mr Grosling smiled at us all before handing out sheet paper containing the newest song we had to learn.

We spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon learning our new music, playing about and practising.

Allet and I said goodbye to everyone and headed away from the colony. We did this every Sunday. After music practise, we would go for a walk into the forest, away from prying eyes, and have a few hours to ourselves. My sister always teased me, telling me with a wink what we were really up to, but it wasn't true. Sometimes we would go swimming in the lake, or head up the hills until we look over the colony and all of Mindoir.

Today we kept walking, through the forest and onto the hills. It took some effort, but finally we stopped in a small space we had cleared ourselves. There was foliage all around us and trees hanging over us, so we were completely hidden from above and below.

We sat on the grass and I put my violin next to me. Allet lay back on the grass with his arms folded under his head. I lay next to him and gently rested my head on his shoulder. I wished I could stay like that, frozen in time. I could lie there forever with him. Thoughts unwanted seeped into my mind then. But it wouldn't last forever. Allet was seventeen now, he would be finishing school next year. I was only sixteen and was a year behind him. I knew he wanted to go to back to Earth and study in Switzerland. There was some big music academy there that he had always had his sights on. I would be stuck here.

Allet felt the sudden tension in my body and he turned his head. I didn't look at him, not wanting him to see my pain.

Hayden had always told me that someone as young as me couldn't know what love was. We were just fascinated with each other, it was all hormones apparently. I didn't believe it. I had watched movies, I had seen Mel with her boyfriend Eric. They were so in love that it made my chest hurt. Anyone could fall in love at any time in their life; and I hated that I was in love with Allet.

"Frizz?"

At his voice, I found myself looking up. His face was full of concern and worry. I secretly asked myself how I could possibly deserve someone so wonderful. He was unlike anyone I had ever met. Being on a colony wasn't the greatest social opportunity, but I was smart. Not book smart like Hayden or Melandra, but I could read people. My mother had called it my gift.

"It's all going to change, isn't it?"

Allet frowned, and then he seemed to understand. I felt his grip on me tighten and I let myself be crushed.

"I've been thinking, Frizz… what if I don't go to Earth?"

I sighed. "Allet you can't stay just 'cause of me. I've told you that."

"True. And I didn't mean that." My heart sank. "What I meant is, what if I don't go to Earth straight away? Like, maybe wait a year for a certain newb to finish school and come to Earth with me?"

A tingle of hope swelled in my chest until reality crushed it to a lumpy pulp.

"Your dad would never let you."

"And what if I was to tell you that a certain scientist had convinced my father to let me stay for one more year, working at the facility and gaining some experien-"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence. I had made some kind of sound before jumping on him, sitting on his hips and attacking his lips with my own. He laughed and wrapped his arms around me before returning my kiss.

As it did so often now, the kiss started to deepen and I felt something stirring in my chest all the way down into my stomach. His body reacted to mine and I felt the heat spread to my cheeks and down my neck. He sat his body up effortlessly and held me tighter, letting his hands slip under the back of my blouse. I gasped at his cold hands, but I could feel the need coming over me. It was like a hunger, clouding my mind and letting my body act on instinct alone.

We had had a similar situation like this not long ago. We had been practising music in my room one afternoon. Both my parents were at work, Mel was off somewhere with Eric and Hayden was in the facility, as he always was. Somehow we had ended up kissing, and the kiss had turned to this. He had just lifted me onto the bed when we heard the whoosh of my front door. We had broken apart and my mother came into my room to see two red-faced teenagers sitting in a shocked silence. I was playing my violin the wrong way up and Allet was writing on the back of his notebook. That night my mother had given me 'the talk'.

Now there was nothing to stop us and I felt my body being lifted up and put gently down on the grass. His weight on top of me was wonderful and better than anything I could have imagined. I couldn't believe myself as I reached for the bottom of his shirt, but stopped as I heard some kind of sound.

We pulled away and looked up in time to see something completely block out the sunlight. The vibrations of the ship sang through me and I had to blink to make sure my mind wasn't playing tricks.. I had never seen such a big ship before. It was way too big to be a supply ship. And it was completely black. Alliance ships were always white and blue.

I hooded my face with my hand to watch the ship as it landed. It settled at the very far side of the colony and I could just make out small figures leaving the ship.

"Allet, what do you think-"

But I was cut off at the look on his face. I had only ever seen his face go so dark, so serious on just one occasion before. It was when a bully called Mark Mellore had hit me when I was about nine. Allet had jumped in so fast and had completely attacked him, punching, kicking, biting and hacking at Mark until was curled in a ball on the floor.

He had been grounded for three weeks and had to do an apology in front of the whole school, but he was my hero. After that no one messed with me or Allet, and I guess that was when we had started to become really close.

"Allet?" I could hear some kind of vibrating coming from the colony and as I turned to look, his hands grabbed my face and turned me around.

"Elisse I want you to go back into the forest. Go to the caves by the lake and wait till I come and get you."

I frowned. I had never heard him speak in that kind of tone and before I could argue, he was on his feet, bringing me with him.

"Please don't argue. Just go."

I turned my head before he could stop me. I saw the figures from the ship swarming over the colony and small bursts of light surrounded them. My brain was slow in comprehending what I was seeing, until I heard the first scream.

I gasped and before I knew what I was doing, my legs were charging down the hill and Allet was screaming after me. But I didn't slow down. I tried to put together what I had seen. I didn't know who had come to our planet or how they had got through our sensors, but they were... shooting. I had only seen a gun once and that was by accident. My father had been cleaning his one morning and I had walked in on him. He had quickly put it in the draw in his desk before pretending like nothing was wrong.

Dad.

My chest tightened as I sped down the hill and through the forest. I felt my foot snag on a tree root and my body was flung forward. I summersaulted into a tree and let out a cry. The world was spinning as I felt a piercing pain in my hip. I heard something behind me and Allet was there, untangling me and helping me sit up. He was whispering furiously to me, but everything was groggy.

The hysteria hit me again and I felt myself scrambling to my feet, ignoring him and running through the remainder of the forest. He was right behind me as we broke through the tree line and ran into the colony.

It was chaos.

People I knew, who I had grown up with, ran from building to building as creatures I recognised from school as batarians ripped through them with guns. Big guns.

One of the ugly things turned its face to me but I didn't notice, watching the horror unfold around me. My gym teacher, Mrs Wesley, was pumped with a multitude of bullets. My mom's friend Maggie, who I knew had month old twins, got in the way of a batarian with rifle. Her body hit the floor with a thud and I saw the crimson pouring from her chest, pooling around her.

I wanted to go to her. I wanted to tell her that she'd need to feed the babies soon. Instead my body was thrown down and I collided with the ground. Before I inflated my sore lungs, I was being dragged back to my feet and led from where I was.

Allet made me crouch behind the metal house as he caught his breath. I felt like my eyes were still watching Maggie. Still seeing the holes in her body, her empty eyes.

Something caught my attention and I looked down to see Allet. I mean really see him. His face was pale and his grey eyes were dull and pained. It was only then that I noticed he was holding his side. Frowning, I reached down and moved his hands. A cry escaped my lips as I saw red seeping through his white shirt. Panic overcame me again as my trembling hands touched the wound. I didn't know what to do.

Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't breathe quick enough. My head was spinning as the reality of what was happening sunk in.

Allet moaned and sunk to his knees.

"What can I do? What can I do? Oh gods, no… what do I do!"

I wasn't any medical expert. I only knew basic first aid. As I helped him to the floor, I saw the gap between the floor and the house. It was big enough, just big enough. An idea flashed in my mind and along with it, fear. Another pained moan from his lips set my idea to stone.

"Allet get under here. Mom keeps medi-gel in the bathroom, my house is just there. I'll come back."

He frowned, not looking happy at the idea, but in the end he nodded. I helped him shuffle under the house and as I turned away, I felt him grab my hand. The soft touch of his lips on my fingers had me sobbing again and I pulled his hand to my lips. It would have to tell him how much I loved him for now. I would tell him myself once I got the medi-gel.

He nodded at me and I got to my feet before my knees were too weak to carry me. Keeping myself crouched down low, I ran past the house to the edge. I took a quick peek and squeaked as I saw more of the batarians walking through the colony.

Taking three quick gulps of air, I ran as fast as I could from behind the house to the back of the other. Nothing hit me and I didn't hear any shouts, so I guessed they hadn't seen me. Thankfully, I was behind my own house. Running to the back door, I whacked the button for it to open. As it did so, I slammed my back on the metal wall, waiting to see if anything fired. When it didn't, I looked around to see my house was still empty. The door opened onto the living room, and getting to my knees, I made my way down the hall into the bathroom.

Quickly grabbing the medi-gel from the kit on the wall, I stuffed the little red balls into my pocket. Keeping myself low and trying to calm my racing heart, I crouched down again and headed towards my dad's office.

As the door opened with the familiar whoosh, I crawled inside, closing the door behind me. All I could hear was my own breathing as I crawled around his desk and-

I stop talking. The pain is in my chest. It crushes my heart and tears form in my eyes. My breathing is hard. I can see it. So real. So vivid. Joker's grip around me hasn't loosened, but it isn't enough. I sit up and suddenly the air vent around me is too small. I can't breathe.

I feel his hand touch mine, and I let him. I sit back against the metal. It's cool and soothing on my heated skin. I haven't relived that memory in so long that it's just melted away. Or so I thought. It was different now, seeing it through my matured eyes. Everything that followed Mindoir seemed like a dream. But this, what I'm seeing in my mind now, is too real.

I look up and see his green eyes watching me. I see the pain in his eyes for me.

I shouldn't have done this. Now I've opened up something that won't stop coming out. If I don't finish the story, it will haunt my dreams. It will haunt me. I couldn't afford to be haunted. Every Collector I take out will have Allet's eyes. Every crew member I have will be someone I lost on Mindoir. No, I have to finish now.

I close my eyes. And the words come.


End file.
